Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
