i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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