its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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