I CAN MOONWALK!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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