She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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