Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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