Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
