Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
