Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
These tits shall not be calmed
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
