I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
