so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
