Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
