I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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