The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
