woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
