I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
