Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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