there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
