I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
