I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
