my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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