I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
