Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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