Don't make out with my wife yet
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
