and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
