she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
