so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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