I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
