So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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