glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
