Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
