...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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