Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
