can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
