I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I wish there were birth control emojis
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
