ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
