we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
