I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My penis needs a shock collar
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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