I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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