ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Randomize
