Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
