When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
