I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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