I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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