I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
