i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
