just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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