Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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