she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
