life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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