Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
