Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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